Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 17 (10.22.25)

Let me start off by saying my behind is ON ONE…smh!?!?

As soon as I got triggered I peeped the trigger through the shift within me. I started dialoguing with myself like umm…what are you mad for? I answered and what I see now in this moment is that I judged my answer, made myself wrong for my answer, and thought I “should” be above/beyond my answer and left my trigger, left my feels, and left my truth and kept it moving with a fire brewing inside me.

Since the trigger I have become angry, confrontational, irritable, itchy minus the b, attitudinal, short-fused, irate, explosive, short-tempered, frustrated, and all in all on one.

So now what…because I’m still popping off even as I write these words…

Now…first I breathe…3 breaths

Second I go back to the trigger, the feels, the truth I judged, made myself wrong for, and dismissed. I don’t want to go there as I close my eyes and backtrack to what it was that triggered me…but I go anyway. I felt like a situation should have been handled differently. I want to control someone. Okay…Erika…lets get deeper. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like someone chose someone else over me. I felt slighted. I felt mishandled. I felt jealous. I felt not thought of. I felt irrelevant…

Now as I hold these feels and allow myself to share space with them I can also utilize the both/and framework. I acknowledge that these feels were generated from the story I was telling myself about a scenario I made up in my head. I vulnerably share made up in my head because I don’t know what was going on for real for real…all I know is that I sent a text and that text wasn’t responded to for a certain amount of time and when a response was given…I didn’t even see it because I was entangled in the scenario I made up in my head. I am grateful for the both/and framework because I both made made up a scenario in my head and felt all the feels I felt.

Now what happened earlier is that because I knew I was reacting to the made up scenario I was unwilling to hold space for the feels I was feeling when I became triggered. I judged and made myself wrong for the feels because I knew I was responsible for the feels because had I of not made up the scenario…I wouldn’t have had feels to feel. And although that is true…the feels were real and deserved to be held because in this short amount of time blogging…my on oneness has fizzled and I have returned to my baseline. This didn’t happen accidentally or coincidentally…it happened because I was willing to feel my feels and hold space for the pieces and parts of me that were triggered…even though my made up scenario created the trigger. This is sovereignty. This is emotional ownership. This is taking my power back. I could have justified my reaction and blamed the other person for leaving me hanging and the amount of time it took for them to respond. I could have ran with my made up scenario because of the sense it made based on previous events and other things I know to be true. But those “could haves” don’t holistically serve me, aren’t empowering, and at the end of the day I don’t know what happened with the other person and the reason why because I wasn’t there.

Next step is apologizing to all who were impacted by my wrath and fury. This phase is humbling AF because I get to acknowledge the impact my unprocessed feels have on those I share space with. I originally wrote “have to” because it’s feels weighted AF but realistically I don’t have to…I get to. I get to own my ish. I get to make amends when I’m on one. I get to feel uncomfortable as I acknowledge my behavior from a triggered place. I get to have hard conversations where I take accountability for my actions that I don’t feel good about.

It’s now 5:02pm and time to start dinner…so until next time.