Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 18 (10.29.25)

Today is my babygirl’s 7th birthday. She was my youngest before having my baby back in August. Seeing her as a whole little person is an experience in and of itself…

In a weird space as I type these words in bed. I was off on Monday & Tuesday and decided this morning that today I was going to let the last 2 days go and be fully in today and enjoy all today had to offer. My day was going fine until it wasn’t. I shared space with an energy that rubbed me the wrong way and then had a conversation that left me disturbed…

I’ve been working on reframing and shifting so I can be okay with something I’m not okay with. And to be honest…for a hot second I was sharing space with both not being okay and being okay. But what transpired today shined a light on something I wasn’t trying to see and the disturbance is a wake up call. I’m not sure what my next move will be but I see an opportunity to reflect on what it is I truly desire…

For the last week or so I’ve been listening to an audiobook called, “The Votex…”. It’s an Abraham - Esther & Jerry Hicks book. I received a handful of golden nuggets and want to put them into practice first starting with my thought game. My thoughts be wildin out!?!? Those jokers are strong AF and it’s a legit battle reigning em in. Most of the time it’s just easier to let them do their thing but lately I’ve been going toe to toe with them and have been working on integrating new thoughts and tuning down or out when I can…the ones that don’t holistically serve me.

I gave up on dreaming and aspiring to. I don’t know when exactly it happened but I do know I’ve been super indecisive ever since…doing this and then doing that…bouncing here and bouncing there…thinking this and pursuing that…then changing my mind and going there and then leaving that to leap into this and then saying f it and moving over there…then trying to find that thing only to get lost in the other thing over there till that no longer clicks so I shift and move around again wondering what it is I’m meant to be doing.

I’ve realized sOoO much on this quest for something more. And now I feel led to go further inward and discover what it is I truly desire not from my trauma, not from a space of lack, not from my conditioning, not from what I think I should…, not from what others think, not from a space of people pleasing, not from ego, not from look at me, and not from comparisionitis…but from deep within, from the part of me divinely connected to DUGS, from my inner knowing, from my wholeness, from my heart space, from a space of abundance, from my truth…

Time for bed…

Until next week…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 17 (10.22.25)

Let me start off by saying my behind is ON ONE…smh!?!?

As soon as I got triggered I peeped the trigger through the shift within me. I started dialoguing with myself like umm…what are you mad for? I answered and what I see now in this moment is that I judged my answer, made myself wrong for my answer, and thought I “should” be above/beyond my answer and left my trigger, left my feels, and left my truth and kept it moving with a fire brewing inside me.

Since the trigger I have become angry, confrontational, irritable, itchy minus the b, attitudinal, short-fused, irate, explosive, short-tempered, frustrated, and all in all on one.

So now what…because I’m still popping off even as I write these words…

Now…first I breathe…3 breaths

Second I go back to the trigger, the feels, the truth I judged, made myself wrong for, and dismissed. I don’t want to go there as I close my eyes and backtrack to what it was that triggered me…but I go anyway. I felt like a situation should have been handled differently. I want to control someone. Okay…Erika…lets get deeper. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like someone chose someone else over me. I felt slighted. I felt mishandled. I felt jealous. I felt not thought of. I felt irrelevant…

Now as I hold these feels and allow myself to share space with them I can also utilize the both/and framework. I acknowledge that these feels were generated from the story I was telling myself about a scenario I made up in my head. I vulnerably share made up in my head because I don’t know what was going on for real for real…all I know is that I sent a text and that text wasn’t responded to for a certain amount of time and when a response was given…I didn’t even see it because I was entangled in the scenario I made up in my head. I am grateful for the both/and framework because I both made made up a scenario in my head and felt all the feels I felt.

Now what happened earlier is that because I knew I was reacting to the made up scenario I was unwilling to hold space for the feels I was feeling when I became triggered. I judged and made myself wrong for the feels because I knew I was responsible for the feels because had I of not made up the scenario…I wouldn’t have had feels to feel. And although that is true…the feels were real and deserved to be held because in this short amount of time blogging…my on oneness has fizzled and I have returned to my baseline. This didn’t happen accidentally or coincidentally…it happened because I was willing to feel my feels and hold space for the pieces and parts of me that were triggered…even though my made up scenario created the trigger. This is sovereignty. This is emotional ownership. This is taking my power back. I could have justified my reaction and blamed the other person for leaving me hanging and the amount of time it took for them to respond. I could have ran with my made up scenario because of the sense it made based on previous events and other things I know to be true. But those “could haves” don’t holistically serve me, aren’t empowering, and at the end of the day I don’t know what happened with the other person and the reason why because I wasn’t there.

Next step is apologizing to all who were impacted by my wrath and fury. This phase is humbling AF because I get to acknowledge the impact my unprocessed feels have on those I share space with. I originally wrote “have to” because it’s feels weighted AF but realistically I don’t have to…I get to. I get to own my ish. I get to make amends when I’m on one. I get to feel uncomfortable as I acknowledge my behavior from a triggered place. I get to have hard conversations where I take accountability for my actions that I don’t feel good about.

It’s now 5:02pm and time to start dinner…so until next time.

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 16 (10.15.25)

This is a nursing blog this evening…

I am doing my best to find my rhythm in life right now. Every time I think I find flow, I find myself ebbing. I like routines and systems and right now I have none…

I woke the baby up in hopes of sleeping longer through the night but because he didn’t initiate the feeding he was ornery and cranky when I got him up and is falling asleep while nursing because I tried to put him on my time instead of surrendering and allowing myself to go with his flow…

Another short and sweet blog post as he is wrapping up his feeding and I need one hand to hold him and the other to burp him.

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 15 (10.8.25)

What a week it’s been?!?!

Currently pumping and plan on keeping this short & sweet as I am exhausted…

Because this is sacred space I am vulnerably sharing my overwhelm. The blend of 9-5 work, home, newborn Mommy + Mommy of 4 others, Wifing, business, and me are a complete cluster F. I am dropping things off my plate as I do my best to juggle it all. I am not operating from my Generator energy as I am not moving from a space of Heck Yes…which means I am navigating not-self energy and am on a train to burnoutville if I don’t pivot soon.

I’m now 11 minutes into a pump session and have a full day ahead of me tomorrow so I’m ready to call it.

I was sOoo close to making a Facebook post saying I didn’t have the capacity to blog today. But I get to show up, I get to honor this sacred space, and I get to keep it short & sweet so I can get in the bed & rest my eyes till the baby wakes and is ready to eat…

Until next week…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 14 (10.1.25)

It’s 5:40pm and here I am blogging:) I did intend to start about 20 minutes ago but hey I’m here now and that’s what matters. When I realized the gap in time between when I intended to start and when I arrived here in squarespace it dawned on me that the gap was a result of my undefined head and ajna center. I experience ADHD tendencies and oftentimes find myself mentally wandering, drifting from here to there, getting distracted easily and experience spacing out; I connect this too to my undefined head and ajna centers. This isn’t a bad thing but an opportunity to know myself and create practices and/or bumpers to realign, get back on track, and refocus. For years I’ve made myself wrong for my me-ness and created an infinite to*do list that was filled with things to work on. The reframe of acceptance around my me-ness and opportunity to create practices and bumpers that support me is a game changer to my overall well-being. The reframe supports my mental health, my confidence, my ability to cultivate self-love, my energy, and nervous system regulation.

On Monday I had my 6-week check-up. I was given the clear to return to work which I was super grateful for but was referred to pelvic floor PT as my abs are still seperated and I’m still experiencing pain in my core. The midwife and I discussed the impact of having a c-section which I am now VERY passionate about. I had NO idea how intense c-sections were and the impact it had on a woman’s body?!?! Not going to lie…I turned my nose up to c-section Mamas before having one myself thinking they were taking the easy way out being cut as opposed to pushing but ummm…yeah no!?!? I’d rather deliver vaginally with no meds like I did with my Princess then have a c-section! There are no words to describe the pain and then the lingering pain…6 weeks later I still tense when I sneeze, cough, or laugh too hard. 6 weeks later I’m still wearing my wrap as it soothes my core and too many hours without there’s a slight buzz of pain. 6 weeks later my insides are still healing and coming back together. 6 weeks later I haven’t been cleared to exercise or return to normal activity pre-pregnancy.

Today is day 2 of being back at work, yesterday I returned to the office and today I was able to work from home. I’m super grateful for the opportunity to work hybrid as I missed my baby while I was at the office and today was making calls earlier in the day as I nursed and later today as he laid across my lap sucking on his binky. I’m also grateful to be part of a team that supported my neighborhoods and blocks in my absence and a leader who invited my baby to the office so I don’t have to be away from him on all of my office days:)

Was scrolling on IG today and came across a video that stopped me in my tracks. One video led to another video to another video as they spoke to an area of my life I’ve been having a really hard time in. It was wild to see my real life mirrored through an IG account…like how does she know?!?!

As much as I’d like to continue blogging…the timer on the oven is nearing the 2 minute mark and my family is patiently awaiting dinner so it’s time to wrap this on up.

Until next week…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 13 (9.24.25)

It’s not bedtime and here I am:) Made an intention to blog before bedtime and to blog when I had the time and space to do and here I am doing the dang thing!

I saw a post on IG today that really shook me, there are 99 (including today) days before the end of the year?!?! I sat there shook like ummm babygirl…what have you done with the year. To give credit where credit is due…I did grow and deliver a whole human this year and I did return to the 9-5 world and I did witness my growth which are all really big deals but I haven’t set specific goals and diligently worked towards them and now I have something to respond to. So to hold myself accountable I’m going to share my goals here:

1) Do a deep clean and organize my home from top to bottom (well main floor…I’m not fooling with that basement).

2) Create the ‘Divine Design Journer’, launch, and sell across the world:)

3) Complete the Credentialed Coach School modules, take and pass all the tests for my different certifications, complete my 7: group coaching and 4: 1-on-1 coaching calls with my Mentor, and complete my Human Design Reader Certification.

That feels good:) I wanted to continue to add more but this feels complete.

Time to put my littles to bed…

Until next week!

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 12 (9.17.25)

Again, I was in the bathroom preparing for bed with excitement when I realized today was indeed Wednesday & I hadn’t blogged yet. My Friend let me know she does read my weekly blog post so I couldn’t ask the questions from last week but I did quickly go to the thought that I think she would understand if I missed a post because I was tired. That thought triggered another thought…umm…boo boo…you have 24 hours to blog…you waiting till the last minute is a choice!?!? If you don’t want to blog right before bed…you have the WHOLE rest of the day you can do it!

My baby has been whooping my behind at night with our feedings so I’m going to keep this short & sweet so I can get as much sleep as I can before he wakes up for his next feeding. And although I’m tired AF and the nursing life is stretching me…I’m grateful for the opportunity to nurse my baby, bond with him, and for my body’s ability to produce milk at each feeding for him🙏🏽

My babyboy is turning 12 on Friday so we celebrated his birthday today as he’ll be going to his Dad’s tomorrow after school. He is sOoO special & I am super grateful to be his Mommy!

I found out yesterday that my Poohda Bear is getting out on Monday & I’m sOoO excited to see him!! It’s been almost a month since I’ve seen him & I am super excited for him & the baby to get a chance to meet!!

I feel likeI should write more but I don’t want to should all over myself before bed so I’m going to end here while I feel led to call it.

Until next week…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 11 (9.10.25)

It’s 9:57pm, I’m in the bathroom brushing my teeth getting ready to go to bed, and I realize I didn’t blog today and it’s Wednesday.

My first mind said, f it…people will understand. Then the second thing that popped into my mind was consistency. Then as I sat down on the bathroom stool and began typing…I was like what does it even matter…who reads my blog anyway. And I was like ummm this is what we’re not going to do Erika Lynn!?!? It’s not about numbers, it’s about showing the F up and doing it because I said I would do it and that matters!

I felt like I had it all together and my ego was feeling herself like brand new baby, Mom of 5, kids going back to school, Hubby going back to work…check me out, doing all the things and making it happen…whoop whoop!! And then slowly, I began fumbling and no longer having it ALL together. Super grateful for Credential Coach School because last week I hopped on an energetics call and realized I don’t have to have it ALL together and I began working towards giving myself grace for my fumbles. There are sOoO many things I want to do and get done and I’m like yeah that’s nothing I can do ALL that and some but when I come to this bathroom at the end of my day…I didn’t get it or any of my to-dos accomplished. And I’m working on surrendering, releasing, and letting go of the judgment, shame, and guilt and cultivating room and space for grace, love, and acceptance.

Life is full throttle lifing and today I slipped off my square. But then it hit me…babygirl…this moment is what the practices and toolbox are for. I took my sovereignty and placed it on my head like a m’n f’n crown. Bye bye…victim mentality…woe is me narratives, and he/she/they/them/it did _________ to me. Nope, nu-uh, no thank you, trick no good…I get to own my power. I get to practice my tools and utilize the plethora tools I have in real time. I get to take care of me and it’s an m’n f’n honor to do so!

But now it’s 10:10pm and I’m ready for bed before it’s time to get up for my babyboy’s next feeding.

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Ten (September 3, 2025)

Wasn’t sure if I was going to make it here today. There were a few different times I planned to blog today but with a 2-week old nursing baby, my plans don’t typically unfold the way I thought they would/planned them to.

But as we sit here doing our last feeding before bedtime, I’m on my phone blogging while he eats. These last 2 feeding sessions after dinner have been rough!?!? I’m not sure if it’s the piece of fresh jalapeño my Hubby gave me or the Sprite or the combo of both that has him so temperamental and ornery. But I’ll tell you what I will not be having anymore jalapeños or Sprite for quite some time!

Beyond baby life, I’ve been spending a lot of time in my latest certification course, Credentialed Coach School and hitting the calls as I’m typically at work during them. They have been super rich, helpful, and inspiring. In yesterday’s call we practiced “Anchoring”, an NLP technique. I listened to the recording in the portal on Anchoring for my NLP certification, but it was another thing to have it broken down, demoed, and then I got to be the student and facilitator. I’m looking forward to bringing what I’m learning in the program into my business and integrating it into my offering!

Beyond baby & business life, my littles are in week 2 of school. I have an 8th grader, 6th grader, 4th grader, and 2nd grader?!?! My Princess got to celebrate her birthday at school for the first time yesterday. Because her birthday is on the 2nd of September, since she started school her birthday has always fallen somewhere in the long Labor Day weekend. So I was grateful to be able to bring up a special birthday snack of her choosing to the school yesterday! Although my Poohda Bear hasn’t officially started school at his middle school yet, he is attending school and said it’s going well. My Gum*Gum Drop started middle school and is really enjoying it! He is blowing my mind with how he is growing up into a little man. And my babygirl is absolutely loving 2nd grade and her teacher! She is such a big girl!

Feeling like this is where we close this evening.

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Nine (August 27, 2025)

Keeping this short and sweet as I am still navigating the return to ‘real life’ after having the baby and coming home last Thursday.

The baby is simply life*giving!?!? He is a legit bundle of joy!! Keeping it all the way 100… I do get frustrated at times and the sleeplessness nights do create a little agitation and irritability in me the next morning BUT he is sOoO worth it:)

My evening took an unexpected yet pleasant turn and after finishing little man’s feeding he decided to be wide-eyed instead of sleepy*eyed so he’s here with me blogging. Part of me is like ummm…excuse me little sir it’s after 10pm and you’re going to be up for your next feeding in about 2.5 hours but the other part of me knows moments like these are priceless so instead of getting caught up in what could be or my expectations…I get to share this moment with him:)

Not being at my 9-5 today created room and space to jump on 2 calls for the credentialed coaching school program I’m currently enrolled in. The calls were AMAZING and got me super excited about my new offerings I’m working on! The first call was also the icing on the cake that led me to bring “Talk About It Thursday” back!?!? I’m so excited for this version and it’s focus on Human Design…I also already got 1 question submitted to respond to tomorrow!

Well…it looks like we won’t be waiting 2.5 hours for the next feeding. He is currently trying to eat through my tank so taking that as a sign to sign off…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Eight (August 20, 2025)

What a week it has been!?!?

I want to dive into all of the things but it’s 9 o’clock at night, I’m getting sleepy, and it’s time to nurse…

Yes, time to nurse means my babyboy has officially arrived!?!? At 1:19am Tuesday morning my 3/5 Emotional Manifesting Generator made his grand entrance. And yes I looked up his Human Design information while in the recovery room waiting to go to our room on the Mother/Baby floor.

Life has been full throttle lifing in the meantime and between time and I am riding the waves with resilience, strength, and grace. And I humbly share how proud of me I am. I will rise in and through the storms…

The only thing keeping me awake right now is this bright light over the bed and my desire to honor the nursing schedule so to honor me it’s time to say goodbye and until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Seven (August 13, 2025)

I’ve been thinking a lot about trial tomorrow morning. I was just washing dishes and wondered where I’ll sit. There are only two sections of seating in a courtroom; there is no middle…yet I find myself in the middle. I am quite anxious as this is something my family and I have been navigating since January and it is something that changed life as we knew it. Two heartbeats will be labeled “plaintiff” and “defendant”…each with their own version of what went down. It is one side vs. the other side and then me…

I engaged in a behavior I’m not proud of this evening and I really didn’t want to share it in this space but again I am reminded by me that this is the space to show up raw and real. This is the space to take off my masks and be wholly me. I was talking about people this evening…not impeccably, not from a place and space of love and light, and I was not being kind. I don’t want to have a keep it real meeting with me about it but I know my resistance is a sign it’s worth digging into. The first question that arises from within is…how did it serve you? Well, it didn’t serve me. I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just saying…

Nope…there’s more. Be willing to dig deeper…be willing to go there. It did serve me…next I want to take it off me and say well it was a connection point between myself and the person I was talking to. But then I push back and say yeah nope…the person you were talking to didn’t ask for you to begin this conversation…you did this boo boo. Okay…so…talking about them made me feel better about me. Talking about them helped me get out of my head about all the things going on in my life that I don’t like, talking about them helped me stop going in on me about the choices I’m making that aren’t holistically in alignment with what I say I desire and redirect that energy onto someone else, talking about them allowed me to let my shadows out to play…that’s how it served me…

Now was that so hard…YES?!?! No…it wasn’t. It was unpleasant, it was embarrassing, it was uncomfortable to keep pushing and peeling back the layers. But now that it’s said and done…I’m grateful. I’m not excited or looking forward to publishing this and sharing it with anyone but again…I get to keep it real here…I get to be imperfect here. I get to call me out and do the work to dive into me so I can do and be better. I don’t want to use others, I don’t want to be unkind, and I don’t want to tear others down as a means of building myself up or feeling better about my choices that I know don’t holistically align with the woman I desire to be. Every word and every action is planting a seed and I can blindly plant or I can intentionally plant. It’s sOoO easy to look outward and point fingers, judge, criticize, and/or talk about another…but clearly I have enough of my own stuff to work on without trying to act like I am worthy of casting a stone at or towards another. It’s also easy to compare my areas of improvement to what I think anothers are…but keeping it all the way 100…that is not my place. Once I’m a perfect Wife, Mother, Business Owner, Employee, Daughter, Friend, Citizen, Person…ect…then I can pick up that stone…but I know that is unobtainable because life is a journey filled with lessons and opportunities and I get to focus my time, energy, and attention on being the best version of me and allow others to do and be them because what they do and don’t do has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them just as how I show up and do and be me has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Six (August 6, 2025)

I found out yesterday that someone was taking what I shared here and sharing it with my Husband and saying I was using this space as a platform to talk ish about him. I immediately began making assumptions about who it was and their intentions in their actions. I was upset that someone was attempting to use my sacred space and vulnerability to cause strife and discord in my marriage. But then I paused and leaned into my intention of creating this space…this blog is not about my Husband, this blog is not about my kids, this blog is not about my business, this blog is not others…this blog is about me…wholly me. This blog is an opportunity to reflect, go inward, see me, process, hold space, and keep it real. I share it because I know I am not alone in navigating the unfolding of real life in real time. I share it because I want to document my journey, my bloom, my evolution, and my trial and error. I share it for “her”…the “her” who feels alone; who feels like she’s the only one going through it; who is filled with shame, embarrassment, self-deprecation, judgement, and guilt for her past, her imperfections, her shadows, her inability to get right, and the error of her ways; who is stuck; who is depressed; and who is sick and tired of being sick and tired. I share it because I will rise, shine, and thrive…and if I can, you can, we can!

One of my morning practices is talking to my Mom and this morning when we were talking she dropped a golden nugget on me…she said, “you think the way you think until you have a different experience”. Although she was sharing it as a reflection of her own personal journey it resonated deeply with me. Yesterday afternoon/evening was super hard and it rattled me deeply to the point I lost sleep. I’ve been processing and sitting with the depth and breadth of feels it’s created within me. When I enter into these spaces I want to go to my Mom because she’s my person but what I’ve recently begun to understand is her open emotional solar plexus is deeply impacted by my defined emotional solar plexus and where I was created to ride the emotional wave…she wasn’t and my sharing/unloading/venting does not holistically serve her. She doesn’t complain, she doesn’t turn me down or away, and she welcomes me and accepts all of me but I get to learn how to return the favor by no longer bringing her on my emotional wave journey. So today I did not share with her about my yesterday because I see her and I want to honor her and our relationship and I get to utilize other tools and practices to process my yesterday.

Time to lay my babies down and start our bedtime ritual.

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Five (July 30, 2025)

Feeling alive this evening as I enter this blog space. Just finished washing dishes and was listening to a new audiobook. Late last week/early this week I went into the “search” section of Spotify and started looking for a new audiobook. I looked and looked and looked and nothing was resonating. I found a few that piqued my interest but they all quickly fizzled within minutes of starting them. I realized I was initiating and went to my Gene Keys, after finishing my 34th Gene Key I decided to listen to my Hologentic Profile from start to finish. Getting through my Life’s Work Sphere, Gene Key 42 was rough and it wasn’t flowing but because I said I would I pushed myself through it. It left me feeling out of sorts but I just ignored the feeling and started my Evolution Sphere, Gene Key 32. The more I kept pushing the more off I felt within…then yesterday while checking my email, I saw one from Reese that said, “The book that made me realize how small I’d been living”…HELLO Generator Strategy!?!? I clicked on the email and the more I read the more excited I got. I went back to Spotify and whoop there it was! As soon as I started listening I got that feeling I get when the stars align and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing! In these moments I feel at home, I feel alive, I feel connected…I am in flow. I was listening to the 12 Universal Laws on Monday when I was doing my babygirl’s hair and one of the Laws is the Law of Polarity. Ebb comes with flow even though my preference is all flow all day. My familiarity with ebb has cultivated room and space to now recognize flow…neither is good or bad or right or wrong…it’s all about choices. I wanted what I wanted when it came to the audiobook so I entered my shadow energy and began forcing, controlling, and pushing. When I peeped game and created room and space to see me, I fell back and shifted to music. I began “trying” to find a playlist and when I found one that “should have” been a fit the lyrics disrupted my being and I was led to the Bloom inWord playlist I created for my poetry book. Each song on that playlist holds significant meaning connected to a season/chapter/time/moment in my life and I thoroughly enjoyed intentionally strolling back down memory lane. I allowed the moment to ride out until it came to an organic closing and am grateful today to know what that means and looks like. Sometimes I forget how far I’ve come but today I have the things I once I dreamed of like peace, the ability to feel, tools to self-regulate, a relationship with me where I know me and am falling in love with me daily, kids, a Husband, a business, a 9-5, a home…not just a roof over my family and I’s head but a home that’s connected to a deed with my name on it, and an ability to ride the waves that come with the unfolding of daily living. I am extremely grateful for all that I have and how far I’ve come and the audiobook today reminded me of my dreams and where I’d like to go. So I am humbled by the reminder of how far I’ve come and choose to use my journey thus far as fuel for where I’m heading…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Four (July 23, 2025)

Where do I begin?!?!

I’m 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant and OMGoodness I feel it…so much so that when people ask me how I’m doing I respond every time by saying PREGNANT!?!? I literally feel like my nané is opening up, there is pressure more than there isn’t in my pelvic region, when I’m walking I wonder if G*Baby is going to fall out of me, and naps have become essential in daily living. I was talking to my Aunt Jeni at the Herbert family reunion over the weekend and she was reminiscing on how much she loved being pregnant and it wasn’t until now in this moment that I’ve given myself permission to feel into this depth of love I have for this experience. Miscarrying last summer broke my heart and seeing what I’d been carrying in my womb on my liner was what broke me. I went into myChart and saw that my miscarriage was on August 28th last year and less than a year later my due date is now August 11th. This is a full circle experience for me as I went from staring at that embryo on my liner last summer to experiencing life grow inside of me over the last 9 months and having the opportunity to feel G*Baby flip, dip, twirl, kick, swim, play, and move within me.

The last few weeks I’ve been writing about my Husband and the emotional waves I’ve been riding. It’s been almost a year since this chapter of our marriage began and I’ve been struggling with it the whole time. I realized this evening that I’ve been boxing him into either/or and haven’t really been able to hold space for both/and. Last night I was looking through old pictures and it hit me that something’s always been wrong…for as long as I can remember I’ve been working on “this” to get to “that” and yet everytime I arrive at “that” it becomes “this”. I honestly have had a propensity to suffer, be unhappy, be frustrated, be upset, and be in a space of dissatsifaction with something or someone and I brought this energy to my marriage. I brought this energy to every area of my life and I’m ready to do something different to get something different. At the end of the day my Husband is going to do him and be him regardless of my thoughts, desires, and opinions so I get to choose to stay or go but to sit and wallow, to entertain the woe is me narrative, to obsess over what he is and isn’t doing and why, and/or to continue to give my power away are all choices I’m making. And today…right here/right now in this moment…I choose to reclaim my power. I choose to reclaim my power in my marriage and not just in my marriage but in my life as a whole. I get to surrender the suffering, the unhappiness, the frustration, my residency in upset-ville, and the endless loop of dissatisfaction. I get to real life enjoy life, I get to build relationship with joy, I get to holistically take care of me, and I get to do me and be me too with and on purpose:)

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Three (7.16.25)

Last week was holistically hard…mentally and emotionally I was struggling which led to a physical impact as I experienced sleepless nights followed by grinding during my “wake” hours to distract myself from the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. It didn’t take long for this behavior to catch up with me as over the weekend I began to experience fatigue and head congestion. Mentally and emotionally I began to simmer on Sunday as I was led to my Gene Keys and felt refreshed by the remembrance of my soul’s journey. Physically, today is the first day I haven’t taken an allergy pill or Tylenol to manage my symptoms since my body started talking to me over the weekend. Although the Gene Keys provided internal respite I witnessed my out of pocketness this evening in a space of reflection…

After my 24-48 hours of holistic reprieve I smooth jumped right back in it. It happened sOoO covertly like as I sit here typing I’m like wait a whole m’n f’n minute?!?! YET…the gift here is that I see me. I felt the shift, witnessed the shift, and am now sitting here with the shift. From out of alignment to in alignment to out of alignment to pausing to peep game. WOW…this is the beauty of the work…not living perfectly but being able to witness when I’m not okay and leaning into a pause to check in with me. Right now the check in is hard because my marriage is currently my biggest trigger combined with the fact that I’m 36 weeks pregnant with our second child together and my fifth child overall. The check in is also hard because I’m in a process of becoming while unbecoming and it’s easy to resort back to living life through my domestication and conditioning and societal standards and expectations. Living life anew is hard AF when my old way of living and being fills my egoic cup and that joker has been dry AF over the last 3 almost 4 years?!?! Yet I am filled with immense gratitude for the opportunity to pause before I completely lose myself…like to witness the signs that I am out of pocket before reaching the point where I am no longer even connected to or near the pocket is again a gift.

My Mommy life is one of my greatest areas for improvement. I have been hyper-fixated on my Husband, my marriage, my 9-5 and my business. Outside of meeting the basic needs of my 3 youngest and navigating visits with my oldest…I have a reason why I can’t right now or don’t have the patience/energy for anything more. And the thought of bringing another one into the world…I’m like girl…WTF?!?! I will undoubtedly make time for the baby because I’m nursing and he’s a baby who relies on me but my others…they get my scraps and I am embarrassed AF to say it but if I don’t keep it real here…there’s no point in me having this blog space. I feel bad too because my babies are the one consistent thing I’ve always wanted and actually got but being a Mommy is nothing like I thought it would be and it triggers my unhealed pieces and parts sOoO deeply. I get sOoO uncomfortable as there are sOoO many emotions that rise to the surface and I get stretched in ways I feel unequipped to handle and their depth of love for me is sOoO foreign that it’s easier to run from it then allow it in because I just don’t understand how I can be sOoO imperfect and yet so accepted, desired, welcomed, and unconditionally loved. Especially when I’ve been chasing the kind of love they offer my whole life and yet they offer it so sincerely and unselfishly that I can’t accept it because I don’t know how to share space with a love so pure and genuine…

Whew…wasn’t expecting to go here this evening. I feel like this is where we end as I have quite a bit to be with…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Two

It wasn’t until this evening that I realized with today being Wednesday it meant blog day. I contemplated whether or not I would sit down to write and pondered a handful of reasons why it didn’t matter. Although I publish my blog posts on my website and share them on social media…I don’t write for others…I write for me. My blogging is an opportunity to sit with me, to reflect on all that’s going on within and around me, and it’s opportunity to get real real with me…

I’ve been reflecting on the amount of times I wrote “trying” in last week’s blog. I almost went back and reread week one’s blog post to count but then realized the actual # doesn’t matter…it’s the awareness of the energy I was in that matters. When I get in a space of “trying” I am wholly and fully out of alignment. I enter into control mode where I disconnect from DUGS (Divine, Universe, God, Source) and aggressively take the wheel. My word for the year is “Surrender” and I chose this word with and on purpose as I know me and want to intentionally do something different to get something different. I get to surrender, I get to let go, I get to chill, I get to breathe, I get to trust…I don’t have to figure it out, I don’t have to forcefully try, I don’t have to make it happen, I don’t have to make it make sense…now “knowing” I don’t have to and leaning into I don’t have to are two totally different things which is again why I chose to share space with and begin to build relationship with the practice of surrendering.

This week has been a really hard week for me emotionally and mentally. I received some information last Saturday during my Husband and I’s date night that carried into more information on Sunday that left me hurt, sad, and extremely anxious. Anxiety grounds me into my head space and the harder I “try” to get out of there the further I sink. How the f do I get out of my head space if I don’t “try” to do something to get out. My experience has shown me that I have to stay there, I have to be with it…all of it…the fullness and depth of it all… I can’t run from it, I can’t “try” to escape it, I can’t do something to make it stop. I don’t like staying in it…I don’t enjoy being with it…but again my experience has shown me it’s the only way out. So now I am ebbing and flowing between holding space for the discomfort of staying/being with it and coming up for air by trying…as I have learned my willingness to share space with my hurt, sadness, and anxiousness allows me to organically move through it with time. On a positive note, this heaviness has sparked my writing. I’ve written 3 pieces since Monday…Inspired, Remembrance, and Transactional. My writing is part of my healing and I can feel something deep within beginning to rise…

I’m super grateful to have been given something to respond to within my business! I partnered with a local women’s recovery shelter and get to facilitate weekly Sister*Circles every Tuesday during the month of July, I have a Human Design Discovery Call on Friday with a new client to discuss creating a tailored plan of diving into their Divine Design, and on Saturday I have a Gene Keys session with a woman near and dear to my heart. This is the work that lights my fire…

Feeling like this is where we end tonight’s blog…my head is telling me I should write more as I haven’t touched on all the areas that make me wholly me but I want to honor what I feel and that’s closing out Week Two here.

Until next time…

WHolly Me Wednesday: Week One

I’m back…

I’ve been contemplating returning to blogging for quite some time. In my mind I’ve planned it out to start on my birthday, to start when I was 10 weeks from my due date, to start on a handful of Thursdays ago as a rebranding of “Talk About It Thursday”, to start on Monday when I was 6 weeks from my due date, to start on July 1st the 1/2 way mark through the year. But today was rough emotionally, today I was in my head HEAVY, today I felt the impact of my misalignment…sOoO today I’m starting.

I’ve also been contemplating how to get my business off the ground, I purchased a 5 Certificate Coaching Certification 2 or 3 months ago, I’ve been purchasing all kinds of Human Design reports and blueprints. I’ve again been in my head HEAVY “trying” to figure out a way to build a business I love and that also compensates me for my offerings and what I bring.

My oldest child is a boy and my baby in my belly is also a boy. I found out I was pregnant last December and this whole year has been filled with get the f outta here moments with my oldest. What Motherhood means to me has been dismantled and my shadows have been sharing hella space with me over the last 6 months. To be honest part of me is petrified of bringing another baby into this world…when I see my flaws, my imperfections, my areas for improvement, my shortcomings, and my track record…I’m like ggggiiiiirrrrrlllll….what in the actual f are you doing?!?! As of today I have 5 weeks and 5 days until my due date…

Last night my Husband and I were watching a show and he made a comment about the main character bringing a baby into a single parent household. His comment hit me and I felt the impact of the hit to my core. I personally know what it’s like to raise children in a two parent household and a single parent household. And I’ll never forget bringing my 3rd child home from the hospital and my ex-Husband soon thereafter dropping my 2 boys off and me standing in my living room breaking down as I faced my reality. It was a moment that broke something inside of me. I instantly felt overwhelmed, scared, and pissed. How in the actual F was I going to raise not one, not two, but 3 m’n f’n kids by myself?!?! I started dating my Husband when my daughter was about 15.5 months old and she’s now 8 soon to be 9 in September. To say my children’s lives haven’t been positively impacted by having two parents in the home would be a bold face lie but to act like it hasn’t come with it’s own fair share of complications/issues/problems is also worth noting…

I recently dove back into the book, “The Four Agreements” as a tool to help me in the navigation of my marriage and self*love. A HUGE part of me is anxious about sharing this depth of realness on the internet and social media…but a bigger part of me wants to honor the capturing of my journey through these blog posts and I can’t capture my journey if I’m not keeping it real, raw, and authentic. The reason why I’m applying the book as a tool is because I’ve been enthralled in the doing of the most trying to save my marriage, trying to understand him and accomodate him while overlooking and negelcting the impact that choice has on me, trying to get him to show up the way I desire him to show up as my Husband/my Partner/my King, trying to decipher truth from lies in his wordplay, trying to get him to stop doing the things I wish he wouldn’t do, trying to shape shift and rearrange myself in order to be enough, trying to figure out the holes, gaps, and inconsistencies to give myself peace of mind, trying to make him wrong for our here and now, trying to justify and rationalize his choices and actions through picking myself apart and making myself wrong, and trying to figure out what marriage means to me beyond the titles of Husband and Wife and what it is I truly desire from/in marriage. This is not a him vs. me scenario; this is an opportunity to learn how to love me, honor me, and take holistic care of me. This is about providing room and space for him to do him and be him without obsessing over what he is and isn’t doing, getting caught up in the stories in my head, and taking back my time, energy, and attention and reinvesting it in myself. This is about personal freedom which is why the book is such a gift. ‘The Four Agreements” speak on domestication, the smoky mirror, the book of laws, the Judge & Victim within us, being impeccable with your words, not taking anything personal, not making assumptions, always doing your best, rewriting the book of laws, and practices to let go of the domesticated behaviors, thoughts, and ways of being that no longer serve us. I’m in full 1/3 profile mode with this book as I read/study and apply through trial and error.

The other thing I’ve been dibbling and dabbling in is my Human Design. I get stuck in the strategy & authority and trying to mentally make it make sense and figure out what it means in the unfolding of my day to day that I miss the opportunity to integrate and intentionally share space with the other pieces and parts of my design. Or I’ll get caught up what cycles I need to complete in order to move forward with my 42 sun, lost in failures and not mentally understanding what preservation looks like in my life with my 32 earth, or how to connect, be with, and work with my unconscious energy. And in this work I see how clearly I get swept in “they said”, “the way it is”, “right vs. wrong”, “how it is/goes” and when none of that aligns or resonates wiht me…I do what I have a tendency to do and that’s…make myself wrong, shut down, and comply with “the way” or walk away.

My goal and intention with “Wholly Me Wednesday” is to blog my journey. When I look back I’m proud on how far I’ve come over the last 18 years and for the first time I see the impact of the work. I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together, and I’m forever working on something…but there’s sOoO much more to me. I get to cultivate a both/and lifestyle…I get to be imperfect, not have it all together, and continue doing the work AND I get to enjoy life, I get to manifest what I do want, and I get to have fun!

Until next Wednesday…

EB

Rise, Shine & Thrive ~ Week 4

I experienced a breakdown yesterday. I cried, I screamed, I yelled, I cursed…like full whole curse words, and I punched and I hit. I unraveled in and outside of Midnight. I broke…again.

This all happened while in the parking lot of a local middle school as I awaited the police to come get my son and bring him back to me. His Dad was able to get him and walked him back to me…to us so I was able to call the police back and say oh nevermind…got him…again.

I’m tired.

I’m frustrated.

I’m over it.

But he is my son and so I continue to rise…

I try to find the light, I try to be optimistic, I try to reframe, I try to hold space, I try to get over it…but what yesterday taught me is that I’m tired of pretending to be okay.

In the grand scheme of life, I know all is well and that this is somehow happening for me, for us. But in the meantime and in between time, I get to ride this wave of emotions and feelings and not be okay. I get to be pissed off at these broken systems. I get to be angry. I get to say shut the f&^$ up and stop asking me stupid questions about what we’re doing and what we’ve done. It is I who has been navigating systems off and on for the last 10 years, sitting in hospital rooms, scheduling appointments, taking him to therapist after therapist and doctor after doctor and service provider after service provider. It is I who was with him as we checked in to two different psychiatric hospitals both HOURS away. It is I who has been hit, called out my name, and been disrepected by the child I carried for 9.5 months and nursed for 1 year. So yeah shut the f&^$ up, keep your m’n f’n opinions and thoughts to your m’n f’n self, and if you want to be helpful…light a m’n f’n candle and hold some space.

This too shall pass I know…but right now it hasn’t passed and it’s getting heavy AF.

Part of me feels bad for not rubbing some love and light in this post but this is real life in real time.

And yes, I have enjoyed the gift of today. I am ebbing and flowing and feeling and being and doing my best. I am holding both/and.

I hope you too, enjoy the gift of today.

Until next week…

Rise, Shine & Thrive ~ Week 3

I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since last week.

Over the last couple of years I’ve been cultivating a relationship with my emotions…

My therapist before last repeatedly told me I operated from my head space and was totally disconnected from my body. It would irritate the F out of me EVERY TIME she said it because for one she said it often but for two…I knew it but didn’t know what to do about it. She worked with me on & off again to build a capacity and today I see the impact of our work together.

So as I’ve been riding this emotional rollercoaster, I’ve had the opportunity to feel quite a bit of feels thanks to my work over the last couple of years coupled with my work with my new therapist and therapist before last. But I’ve also taken up quite a bit of space in my head. My head is safe, my head is familiar, and my head brings me solace when I need a break from the waves of the emotional storm within.

On the flip side, my head is where I share space with my not*self. The more I was up in there…the more frustrated I became. So this morning while doing my morning pages journaling practice…I surrendered.

Surrendering for me is freedom. It’s letting go…hello Gene Key 42…my conscious sun/life’s work. I didn’t connect the two when I surrendered but I was familiar with the power of my surrendering. Every time I surrender it’s like I’m revitalized/resuscitated.

This intentional surrender set me up for the day and allowed me room and space to be. What a gift to be. I also decided to stay off social media today because being on there can trigger my not*self super easily and I often don’t catch the shift until I start noticing the impact around me of my “offness”. I will get on there after I publish this blog post to share it but with it being 9:01pm and having Kettlebell class in the AM…my stay on the book will be brief just like today’s blog post…

Thank you for sharing this space with me.

Until next week…

Enjoy the gift of today!