Wholly Me Wednesday: Week 11 (9.10.25)

It’s 9:57pm, I’m in the bathroom brushing my teeth getting ready to go to bed, and I realize I didn’t blog today and it’s Wednesday.

My first mind said, f it…people will understand. Then the second thing that popped into my mind was consistency. Then as I sat down on the bathroom stool and began typing…I was like what does it even matter…who reads my blog anyway. And I was like ummm this is what we’re not going to do Erika Lynn!?!? It’s not about numbers, it’s about showing the F up and doing it because I said I would do it and that matters!

I felt like I had it all together and my ego was feeling herself like brand new baby, Mom of 5, kids going back to school, Hubby going back to work…check me out, doing all the things and making it happen…whoop whoop!! And then slowly, I began fumbling and no longer having it ALL together. Super grateful for Credential Coach School because last week I hopped on an energetics call and realized I don’t have to have it ALL together and I began working towards giving myself grace for my fumbles. There are sOoO many things I want to do and get done and I’m like yeah that’s nothing I can do ALL that and some but when I come to this bathroom at the end of my day…I didn’t get it or any of my to-dos accomplished. And I’m working on surrendering, releasing, and letting go of the judgment, shame, and guilt and cultivating room and space for grace, love, and acceptance.

Life is full throttle lifing and today I slipped off my square. But then it hit me…babygirl…this moment is what the practices and toolbox are for. I took my sovereignty and placed it on my head like a m’n f’n crown. Bye bye…victim mentality…woe is me narratives, and he/she/they/them/it did _________ to me. Nope, nu-uh, no thank you, trick no good…I get to own my power. I get to practice my tools and utilize the plethora tools I have in real time. I get to take care of me and it’s an m’n f’n honor to do so!

But now it’s 10:10pm and I’m ready for bed before it’s time to get up for my babyboy’s next feeding.

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Ten (September 3, 2025)

Wasn’t sure if I was going to make it here today. There were a few different times I planned to blog today but with a 2-week old nursing baby, my plans don’t typically unfold the way I thought they would/planned them to.

But as we sit here doing our last feeding before bedtime, I’m on my phone blogging while he eats. These last 2 feeding sessions after dinner have been rough!?!? I’m not sure if it’s the piece of fresh jalapeño my Hubby gave me or the Sprite or the combo of both that has him so temperamental and ornery. But I’ll tell you what I will not be having anymore jalapeños or Sprite for quite some time!

Beyond baby life, I’ve been spending a lot of time in my latest certification course, Credentialed Coach School and hitting the calls as I’m typically at work during them. They have been super rich, helpful, and inspiring. In yesterday’s call we practiced “Anchoring”, an NLP technique. I listened to the recording in the portal on Anchoring for my NLP certification, but it was another thing to have it broken down, demoed, and then I got to be the student and facilitator. I’m looking forward to bringing what I’m learning in the program into my business and integrating it into my offering!

Beyond baby & business life, my littles are in week 2 of school. I have an 8th grader, 6th grader, 4th grader, and 2nd grader?!?! My Princess got to celebrate her birthday at school for the first time yesterday. Because her birthday is on the 2nd of September, since she started school her birthday has always fallen somewhere in the long Labor Day weekend. So I was grateful to be able to bring up a special birthday snack of her choosing to the school yesterday! Although my Poohda Bear hasn’t officially started school at his middle school yet, he is attending school and said it’s going well. My Gum*Gum Drop started middle school and is really enjoying it! He is blowing my mind with how he is growing up into a little man. And my babygirl is absolutely loving 2nd grade and her teacher! She is such a big girl!

Feeling like this is where we close this evening.

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Nine (August 27, 2025)

Keeping this short and sweet as I am still navigating the return to ‘real life’ after having the baby and coming home last Thursday.

The baby is simply life*giving!?!? He is a legit bundle of joy!! Keeping it all the way 100… I do get frustrated at times and the sleeplessness nights do create a little agitation and irritability in me the next morning BUT he is sOoO worth it:)

My evening took an unexpected yet pleasant turn and after finishing little man’s feeding he decided to be wide-eyed instead of sleepy*eyed so he’s here with me blogging. Part of me is like ummm…excuse me little sir it’s after 10pm and you’re going to be up for your next feeding in about 2.5 hours but the other part of me knows moments like these are priceless so instead of getting caught up in what could be or my expectations…I get to share this moment with him:)

Not being at my 9-5 today created room and space to jump on 2 calls for the credentialed coaching school program I’m currently enrolled in. The calls were AMAZING and got me super excited about my new offerings I’m working on! The first call was also the icing on the cake that led me to bring “Talk About It Thursday” back!?!? I’m so excited for this version and it’s focus on Human Design…I also already got 1 question submitted to respond to tomorrow!

Well…it looks like we won’t be waiting 2.5 hours for the next feeding. He is currently trying to eat through my tank so taking that as a sign to sign off…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Eight (August 20, 2025)

What a week it has been!?!?

I want to dive into all of the things but it’s 9 o’clock at night, I’m getting sleepy, and it’s time to nurse…

Yes, time to nurse means my babyboy has officially arrived!?!? At 1:19am Tuesday morning my 3/5 Emotional Manifesting Generator made his grand entrance. And yes I looked up his Human Design information while in the recovery room waiting to go to our room on the Mother/Baby floor.

Life has been full throttle lifing in the meantime and between time and I am riding the waves with resilience, strength, and grace. And I humbly share how proud of me I am. I will rise in and through the storms…

The only thing keeping me awake right now is this bright light over the bed and my desire to honor the nursing schedule so to honor me it’s time to say goodbye and until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Seven (August 13, 2025)

I’ve been thinking a lot about trial tomorrow morning. I was just washing dishes and wondered where I’ll sit. There are only two sections of seating in a courtroom; there is no middle…yet I find myself in the middle. I am quite anxious as this is something my family and I have been navigating since January and it is something that changed life as we knew it. Two heartbeats will be labeled “plaintiff” and “defendant”…each with their own version of what went down. It is one side vs. the other side and then me…

I engaged in a behavior I’m not proud of this evening and I really didn’t want to share it in this space but again I am reminded by me that this is the space to show up raw and real. This is the space to take off my masks and be wholly me. I was talking about people this evening…not impeccably, not from a place and space of love and light, and I was not being kind. I don’t want to have a keep it real meeting with me about it but I know my resistance is a sign it’s worth digging into. The first question that arises from within is…how did it serve you? Well, it didn’t serve me. I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just saying…

Nope…there’s more. Be willing to dig deeper…be willing to go there. It did serve me…next I want to take it off me and say well it was a connection point between myself and the person I was talking to. But then I push back and say yeah nope…the person you were talking to didn’t ask for you to begin this conversation…you did this boo boo. Okay…so…talking about them made me feel better about me. Talking about them helped me get out of my head about all the things going on in my life that I don’t like, talking about them helped me stop going in on me about the choices I’m making that aren’t holistically in alignment with what I say I desire and redirect that energy onto someone else, talking about them allowed me to let my shadows out to play…that’s how it served me…

Now was that so hard…YES?!?! No…it wasn’t. It was unpleasant, it was embarrassing, it was uncomfortable to keep pushing and peeling back the layers. But now that it’s said and done…I’m grateful. I’m not excited or looking forward to publishing this and sharing it with anyone but again…I get to keep it real here…I get to be imperfect here. I get to call me out and do the work to dive into me so I can do and be better. I don’t want to use others, I don’t want to be unkind, and I don’t want to tear others down as a means of building myself up or feeling better about my choices that I know don’t holistically align with the woman I desire to be. Every word and every action is planting a seed and I can blindly plant or I can intentionally plant. It’s sOoO easy to look outward and point fingers, judge, criticize, and/or talk about another…but clearly I have enough of my own stuff to work on without trying to act like I am worthy of casting a stone at or towards another. It’s also easy to compare my areas of improvement to what I think anothers are…but keeping it all the way 100…that is not my place. Once I’m a perfect Wife, Mother, Business Owner, Employee, Daughter, Friend, Citizen, Person…ect…then I can pick up that stone…but I know that is unobtainable because life is a journey filled with lessons and opportunities and I get to focus my time, energy, and attention on being the best version of me and allow others to do and be them because what they do and don’t do has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them just as how I show up and do and be me has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Six (August 6, 2025)

I found out yesterday that someone was taking what I shared here and sharing it with my Husband and saying I was using this space as a platform to talk ish about him. I immediately began making assumptions about who it was and their intentions in their actions. I was upset that someone was attempting to use my sacred space and vulnerability to cause strife and discord in my marriage. But then I paused and leaned into my intention of creating this space…this blog is not about my Husband, this blog is not about my kids, this blog is not about my business, this blog is not others…this blog is about me…wholly me. This blog is an opportunity to reflect, go inward, see me, process, hold space, and keep it real. I share it because I know I am not alone in navigating the unfolding of real life in real time. I share it because I want to document my journey, my bloom, my evolution, and my trial and error. I share it for “her”…the “her” who feels alone; who feels like she’s the only one going through it; who is filled with shame, embarrassment, self-deprecation, judgement, and guilt for her past, her imperfections, her shadows, her inability to get right, and the error of her ways; who is stuck; who is depressed; and who is sick and tired of being sick and tired. I share it because I will rise, shine, and thrive…and if I can, you can, we can!

One of my morning practices is talking to my Mom and this morning when we were talking she dropped a golden nugget on me…she said, “you think the way you think until you have a different experience”. Although she was sharing it as a reflection of her own personal journey it resonated deeply with me. Yesterday afternoon/evening was super hard and it rattled me deeply to the point I lost sleep. I’ve been processing and sitting with the depth and breadth of feels it’s created within me. When I enter into these spaces I want to go to my Mom because she’s my person but what I’ve recently begun to understand is her open emotional solar plexus is deeply impacted by my defined emotional solar plexus and where I was created to ride the emotional wave…she wasn’t and my sharing/unloading/venting does not holistically serve her. She doesn’t complain, she doesn’t turn me down or away, and she welcomes me and accepts all of me but I get to learn how to return the favor by no longer bringing her on my emotional wave journey. So today I did not share with her about my yesterday because I see her and I want to honor her and our relationship and I get to utilize other tools and practices to process my yesterday.

Time to lay my babies down and start our bedtime ritual.

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Five (July 30, 2025)

Feeling alive this evening as I enter this blog space. Just finished washing dishes and was listening to a new audiobook. Late last week/early this week I went into the “search” section of Spotify and started looking for a new audiobook. I looked and looked and looked and nothing was resonating. I found a few that piqued my interest but they all quickly fizzled within minutes of starting them. I realized I was initiating and went to my Gene Keys, after finishing my 34th Gene Key I decided to listen to my Hologentic Profile from start to finish. Getting through my Life’s Work Sphere, Gene Key 42 was rough and it wasn’t flowing but because I said I would I pushed myself through it. It left me feeling out of sorts but I just ignored the feeling and started my Evolution Sphere, Gene Key 32. The more I kept pushing the more off I felt within…then yesterday while checking my email, I saw one from Reese that said, “The book that made me realize how small I’d been living”…HELLO Generator Strategy!?!? I clicked on the email and the more I read the more excited I got. I went back to Spotify and whoop there it was! As soon as I started listening I got that feeling I get when the stars align and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing! In these moments I feel at home, I feel alive, I feel connected…I am in flow. I was listening to the 12 Universal Laws on Monday when I was doing my babygirl’s hair and one of the Laws is the Law of Polarity. Ebb comes with flow even though my preference is all flow all day. My familiarity with ebb has cultivated room and space to now recognize flow…neither is good or bad or right or wrong…it’s all about choices. I wanted what I wanted when it came to the audiobook so I entered my shadow energy and began forcing, controlling, and pushing. When I peeped game and created room and space to see me, I fell back and shifted to music. I began “trying” to find a playlist and when I found one that “should have” been a fit the lyrics disrupted my being and I was led to the Bloom inWord playlist I created for my poetry book. Each song on that playlist holds significant meaning connected to a season/chapter/time/moment in my life and I thoroughly enjoyed intentionally strolling back down memory lane. I allowed the moment to ride out until it came to an organic closing and am grateful today to know what that means and looks like. Sometimes I forget how far I’ve come but today I have the things I once I dreamed of like peace, the ability to feel, tools to self-regulate, a relationship with me where I know me and am falling in love with me daily, kids, a Husband, a business, a 9-5, a home…not just a roof over my family and I’s head but a home that’s connected to a deed with my name on it, and an ability to ride the waves that come with the unfolding of daily living. I am extremely grateful for all that I have and how far I’ve come and the audiobook today reminded me of my dreams and where I’d like to go. So I am humbled by the reminder of how far I’ve come and choose to use my journey thus far as fuel for where I’m heading…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Four (July 23, 2025)

Where do I begin?!?!

I’m 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant and OMGoodness I feel it…so much so that when people ask me how I’m doing I respond every time by saying PREGNANT!?!? I literally feel like my nané is opening up, there is pressure more than there isn’t in my pelvic region, when I’m walking I wonder if G*Baby is going to fall out of me, and naps have become essential in daily living. I was talking to my Aunt Jeni at the Herbert family reunion over the weekend and she was reminiscing on how much she loved being pregnant and it wasn’t until now in this moment that I’ve given myself permission to feel into this depth of love I have for this experience. Miscarrying last summer broke my heart and seeing what I’d been carrying in my womb on my liner was what broke me. I went into myChart and saw that my miscarriage was on August 28th last year and less than a year later my due date is now August 11th. This is a full circle experience for me as I went from staring at that embryo on my liner last summer to experiencing life grow inside of me over the last 9 months and having the opportunity to feel G*Baby flip, dip, twirl, kick, swim, play, and move within me.

The last few weeks I’ve been writing about my Husband and the emotional waves I’ve been riding. It’s been almost a year since this chapter of our marriage began and I’ve been struggling with it the whole time. I realized this evening that I’ve been boxing him into either/or and haven’t really been able to hold space for both/and. Last night I was looking through old pictures and it hit me that something’s always been wrong…for as long as I can remember I’ve been working on “this” to get to “that” and yet everytime I arrive at “that” it becomes “this”. I honestly have had a propensity to suffer, be unhappy, be frustrated, be upset, and be in a space of dissatsifaction with something or someone and I brought this energy to my marriage. I brought this energy to every area of my life and I’m ready to do something different to get something different. At the end of the day my Husband is going to do him and be him regardless of my thoughts, desires, and opinions so I get to choose to stay or go but to sit and wallow, to entertain the woe is me narrative, to obsess over what he is and isn’t doing and why, and/or to continue to give my power away are all choices I’m making. And today…right here/right now in this moment…I choose to reclaim my power. I choose to reclaim my power in my marriage and not just in my marriage but in my life as a whole. I get to surrender the suffering, the unhappiness, the frustration, my residency in upset-ville, and the endless loop of dissatisfaction. I get to real life enjoy life, I get to build relationship with joy, I get to holistically take care of me, and I get to do me and be me too with and on purpose:)

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Three (7.16.25)

Last week was holistically hard…mentally and emotionally I was struggling which led to a physical impact as I experienced sleepless nights followed by grinding during my “wake” hours to distract myself from the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. It didn’t take long for this behavior to catch up with me as over the weekend I began to experience fatigue and head congestion. Mentally and emotionally I began to simmer on Sunday as I was led to my Gene Keys and felt refreshed by the remembrance of my soul’s journey. Physically, today is the first day I haven’t taken an allergy pill or Tylenol to manage my symptoms since my body started talking to me over the weekend. Although the Gene Keys provided internal respite I witnessed my out of pocketness this evening in a space of reflection…

After my 24-48 hours of holistic reprieve I smooth jumped right back in it. It happened sOoO covertly like as I sit here typing I’m like wait a whole m’n f’n minute?!?! YET…the gift here is that I see me. I felt the shift, witnessed the shift, and am now sitting here with the shift. From out of alignment to in alignment to out of alignment to pausing to peep game. WOW…this is the beauty of the work…not living perfectly but being able to witness when I’m not okay and leaning into a pause to check in with me. Right now the check in is hard because my marriage is currently my biggest trigger combined with the fact that I’m 36 weeks pregnant with our second child together and my fifth child overall. The check in is also hard because I’m in a process of becoming while unbecoming and it’s easy to resort back to living life through my domestication and conditioning and societal standards and expectations. Living life anew is hard AF when my old way of living and being fills my egoic cup and that joker has been dry AF over the last 3 almost 4 years?!?! Yet I am filled with immense gratitude for the opportunity to pause before I completely lose myself…like to witness the signs that I am out of pocket before reaching the point where I am no longer even connected to or near the pocket is again a gift.

My Mommy life is one of my greatest areas for improvement. I have been hyper-fixated on my Husband, my marriage, my 9-5 and my business. Outside of meeting the basic needs of my 3 youngest and navigating visits with my oldest…I have a reason why I can’t right now or don’t have the patience/energy for anything more. And the thought of bringing another one into the world…I’m like girl…WTF?!?! I will undoubtedly make time for the baby because I’m nursing and he’s a baby who relies on me but my others…they get my scraps and I am embarrassed AF to say it but if I don’t keep it real here…there’s no point in me having this blog space. I feel bad too because my babies are the one consistent thing I’ve always wanted and actually got but being a Mommy is nothing like I thought it would be and it triggers my unhealed pieces and parts sOoO deeply. I get sOoO uncomfortable as there are sOoO many emotions that rise to the surface and I get stretched in ways I feel unequipped to handle and their depth of love for me is sOoO foreign that it’s easier to run from it then allow it in because I just don’t understand how I can be sOoO imperfect and yet so accepted, desired, welcomed, and unconditionally loved. Especially when I’ve been chasing the kind of love they offer my whole life and yet they offer it so sincerely and unselfishly that I can’t accept it because I don’t know how to share space with a love so pure and genuine…

Whew…wasn’t expecting to go here this evening. I feel like this is where we end as I have quite a bit to be with…

Until next time…

Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Two

It wasn’t until this evening that I realized with today being Wednesday it meant blog day. I contemplated whether or not I would sit down to write and pondered a handful of reasons why it didn’t matter. Although I publish my blog posts on my website and share them on social media…I don’t write for others…I write for me. My blogging is an opportunity to sit with me, to reflect on all that’s going on within and around me, and it’s opportunity to get real real with me…

I’ve been reflecting on the amount of times I wrote “trying” in last week’s blog. I almost went back and reread week one’s blog post to count but then realized the actual # doesn’t matter…it’s the awareness of the energy I was in that matters. When I get in a space of “trying” I am wholly and fully out of alignment. I enter into control mode where I disconnect from DUGS (Divine, Universe, God, Source) and aggressively take the wheel. My word for the year is “Surrender” and I chose this word with and on purpose as I know me and want to intentionally do something different to get something different. I get to surrender, I get to let go, I get to chill, I get to breathe, I get to trust…I don’t have to figure it out, I don’t have to forcefully try, I don’t have to make it happen, I don’t have to make it make sense…now “knowing” I don’t have to and leaning into I don’t have to are two totally different things which is again why I chose to share space with and begin to build relationship with the practice of surrendering.

This week has been a really hard week for me emotionally and mentally. I received some information last Saturday during my Husband and I’s date night that carried into more information on Sunday that left me hurt, sad, and extremely anxious. Anxiety grounds me into my head space and the harder I “try” to get out of there the further I sink. How the f do I get out of my head space if I don’t “try” to do something to get out. My experience has shown me that I have to stay there, I have to be with it…all of it…the fullness and depth of it all… I can’t run from it, I can’t “try” to escape it, I can’t do something to make it stop. I don’t like staying in it…I don’t enjoy being with it…but again my experience has shown me it’s the only way out. So now I am ebbing and flowing between holding space for the discomfort of staying/being with it and coming up for air by trying…as I have learned my willingness to share space with my hurt, sadness, and anxiousness allows me to organically move through it with time. On a positive note, this heaviness has sparked my writing. I’ve written 3 pieces since Monday…Inspired, Remembrance, and Transactional. My writing is part of my healing and I can feel something deep within beginning to rise…

I’m super grateful to have been given something to respond to within my business! I partnered with a local women’s recovery shelter and get to facilitate weekly Sister*Circles every Tuesday during the month of July, I have a Human Design Discovery Call on Friday with a new client to discuss creating a tailored plan of diving into their Divine Design, and on Saturday I have a Gene Keys session with a woman near and dear to my heart. This is the work that lights my fire…

Feeling like this is where we end tonight’s blog…my head is telling me I should write more as I haven’t touched on all the areas that make me wholly me but I want to honor what I feel and that’s closing out Week Two here.

Until next time…

WHolly Me Wednesday: Week One

I’m back…

I’ve been contemplating returning to blogging for quite some time. In my mind I’ve planned it out to start on my birthday, to start when I was 10 weeks from my due date, to start on a handful of Thursdays ago as a rebranding of “Talk About It Thursday”, to start on Monday when I was 6 weeks from my due date, to start on July 1st the 1/2 way mark through the year. But today was rough emotionally, today I was in my head HEAVY, today I felt the impact of my misalignment…sOoO today I’m starting.

I’ve also been contemplating how to get my business off the ground, I purchased a 5 Certificate Coaching Certification 2 or 3 months ago, I’ve been purchasing all kinds of Human Design reports and blueprints. I’ve again been in my head HEAVY “trying” to figure out a way to build a business I love and that also compensates me for my offerings and what I bring.

My oldest child is a boy and my baby in my belly is also a boy. I found out I was pregnant last December and this whole year has been filled with get the f outta here moments with my oldest. What Motherhood means to me has been dismantled and my shadows have been sharing hella space with me over the last 6 months. To be honest part of me is petrified of bringing another baby into this world…when I see my flaws, my imperfections, my areas for improvement, my shortcomings, and my track record…I’m like ggggiiiiirrrrrlllll….what in the actual f are you doing?!?! As of today I have 5 weeks and 5 days until my due date…

Last night my Husband and I were watching a show and he made a comment about the main character bringing a baby into a single parent household. His comment hit me and I felt the impact of the hit to my core. I personally know what it’s like to raise children in a two parent household and a single parent household. And I’ll never forget bringing my 3rd child home from the hospital and my ex-Husband soon thereafter dropping my 2 boys off and me standing in my living room breaking down as I faced my reality. It was a moment that broke something inside of me. I instantly felt overwhelmed, scared, and pissed. How in the actual F was I going to raise not one, not two, but 3 m’n f’n kids by myself?!?! I started dating my Husband when my daughter was about 15.5 months old and she’s now 8 soon to be 9 in September. To say my children’s lives haven’t been positively impacted by having two parents in the home would be a bold face lie but to act like it hasn’t come with it’s own fair share of complications/issues/problems is also worth noting…

I recently dove back into the book, “The Four Agreements” as a tool to help me in the navigation of my marriage and self*love. A HUGE part of me is anxious about sharing this depth of realness on the internet and social media…but a bigger part of me wants to honor the capturing of my journey through these blog posts and I can’t capture my journey if I’m not keeping it real, raw, and authentic. The reason why I’m applying the book as a tool is because I’ve been enthralled in the doing of the most trying to save my marriage, trying to understand him and accomodate him while overlooking and negelcting the impact that choice has on me, trying to get him to show up the way I desire him to show up as my Husband/my Partner/my King, trying to decipher truth from lies in his wordplay, trying to get him to stop doing the things I wish he wouldn’t do, trying to shape shift and rearrange myself in order to be enough, trying to figure out the holes, gaps, and inconsistencies to give myself peace of mind, trying to make him wrong for our here and now, trying to justify and rationalize his choices and actions through picking myself apart and making myself wrong, and trying to figure out what marriage means to me beyond the titles of Husband and Wife and what it is I truly desire from/in marriage. This is not a him vs. me scenario; this is an opportunity to learn how to love me, honor me, and take holistic care of me. This is about providing room and space for him to do him and be him without obsessing over what he is and isn’t doing, getting caught up in the stories in my head, and taking back my time, energy, and attention and reinvesting it in myself. This is about personal freedom which is why the book is such a gift. ‘The Four Agreements” speak on domestication, the smoky mirror, the book of laws, the Judge & Victim within us, being impeccable with your words, not taking anything personal, not making assumptions, always doing your best, rewriting the book of laws, and practices to let go of the domesticated behaviors, thoughts, and ways of being that no longer serve us. I’m in full 1/3 profile mode with this book as I read/study and apply through trial and error.

The other thing I’ve been dibbling and dabbling in is my Human Design. I get stuck in the strategy & authority and trying to mentally make it make sense and figure out what it means in the unfolding of my day to day that I miss the opportunity to integrate and intentionally share space with the other pieces and parts of my design. Or I’ll get caught up what cycles I need to complete in order to move forward with my 42 sun, lost in failures and not mentally understanding what preservation looks like in my life with my 32 earth, or how to connect, be with, and work with my unconscious energy. And in this work I see how clearly I get swept in “they said”, “the way it is”, “right vs. wrong”, “how it is/goes” and when none of that aligns or resonates wiht me…I do what I have a tendency to do and that’s…make myself wrong, shut down, and comply with “the way” or walk away.

My goal and intention with “Wholly Me Wednesday” is to blog my journey. When I look back I’m proud on how far I’ve come over the last 18 years and for the first time I see the impact of the work. I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together, and I’m forever working on something…but there’s sOoO much more to me. I get to cultivate a both/and lifestyle…I get to be imperfect, not have it all together, and continue doing the work AND I get to enjoy life, I get to manifest what I do want, and I get to have fun!

Until next Wednesday…

EB

Rise, Shine & Thrive ~ Week 4

I experienced a breakdown yesterday. I cried, I screamed, I yelled, I cursed…like full whole curse words, and I punched and I hit. I unraveled in and outside of Midnight. I broke…again.

This all happened while in the parking lot of a local middle school as I awaited the police to come get my son and bring him back to me. His Dad was able to get him and walked him back to me…to us so I was able to call the police back and say oh nevermind…got him…again.

I’m tired.

I’m frustrated.

I’m over it.

But he is my son and so I continue to rise…

I try to find the light, I try to be optimistic, I try to reframe, I try to hold space, I try to get over it…but what yesterday taught me is that I’m tired of pretending to be okay.

In the grand scheme of life, I know all is well and that this is somehow happening for me, for us. But in the meantime and in between time, I get to ride this wave of emotions and feelings and not be okay. I get to be pissed off at these broken systems. I get to be angry. I get to say shut the f&^$ up and stop asking me stupid questions about what we’re doing and what we’ve done. It is I who has been navigating systems off and on for the last 10 years, sitting in hospital rooms, scheduling appointments, taking him to therapist after therapist and doctor after doctor and service provider after service provider. It is I who was with him as we checked in to two different psychiatric hospitals both HOURS away. It is I who has been hit, called out my name, and been disrepected by the child I carried for 9.5 months and nursed for 1 year. So yeah shut the f&^$ up, keep your m’n f’n opinions and thoughts to your m’n f’n self, and if you want to be helpful…light a m’n f’n candle and hold some space.

This too shall pass I know…but right now it hasn’t passed and it’s getting heavy AF.

Part of me feels bad for not rubbing some love and light in this post but this is real life in real time.

And yes, I have enjoyed the gift of today. I am ebbing and flowing and feeling and being and doing my best. I am holding both/and.

I hope you too, enjoy the gift of today.

Until next week…

Rise, Shine & Thrive ~ Week 3

I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since last week.

Over the last couple of years I’ve been cultivating a relationship with my emotions…

My therapist before last repeatedly told me I operated from my head space and was totally disconnected from my body. It would irritate the F out of me EVERY TIME she said it because for one she said it often but for two…I knew it but didn’t know what to do about it. She worked with me on & off again to build a capacity and today I see the impact of our work together.

So as I’ve been riding this emotional rollercoaster, I’ve had the opportunity to feel quite a bit of feels thanks to my work over the last couple of years coupled with my work with my new therapist and therapist before last. But I’ve also taken up quite a bit of space in my head. My head is safe, my head is familiar, and my head brings me solace when I need a break from the waves of the emotional storm within.

On the flip side, my head is where I share space with my not*self. The more I was up in there…the more frustrated I became. So this morning while doing my morning pages journaling practice…I surrendered.

Surrendering for me is freedom. It’s letting go…hello Gene Key 42…my conscious sun/life’s work. I didn’t connect the two when I surrendered but I was familiar with the power of my surrendering. Every time I surrender it’s like I’m revitalized/resuscitated.

This intentional surrender set me up for the day and allowed me room and space to be. What a gift to be. I also decided to stay off social media today because being on there can trigger my not*self super easily and I often don’t catch the shift until I start noticing the impact around me of my “offness”. I will get on there after I publish this blog post to share it but with it being 9:01pm and having Kettlebell class in the AM…my stay on the book will be brief just like today’s blog post…

Thank you for sharing this space with me.

Until next week…

Enjoy the gift of today!

Rise, Shine & Thrive ~ Week 2

I was ready to blog until I went to the blog section of my website and saw last week’s title. It hit me unexpectedly and threw me for a loop I’m still looping in as I type…

To rise, shine, and thrive…now…in this moment? This moment right here…

I can rise…

The unfolding of today has been difficult to be in…

My oldest showed up in a way today that has left me perplexed, angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, and more that I am not yet ready to feel into. When it all stopped and the moment ended…I was left numb. I knew that there were feels inside me and I still do as it’s not even been 30 minutes since he walked back in my front door. He left with the police to wait with them until my Stepmom to arrived…

I started typing a play by play of what went down that led to the police coming to my home and what happened when my Stepmom dropped him off but then realized for what?

What I learned from today is that my work is rooted in changing the systems. Bringing the heartbeat back to systems…more specifically bringing heartbeat driven service to systems. There is a problem, there is a gap, there is an injustice, there is an opportunity…and I’m here for it.

I don’t know what it all looks like and that’s okay. I’m beginning to see how the pieces I already had are connected and how the new pieces that are coming into my life are connected to this opportunity.

Going to leave it here for now but am grateful to end this blog in a space of gratitude for what today gave me and for knowing there is more left to process and feel and that although I feel gratitude in the here and now it is okay to feel the full spectrum of feels once this moment passes.

Before I go I’d be remised if I didn’t shout*out my “Friend”. She is everything and today she showed up for me in a way that I will cherish for the remainder of my lifetime. I am blessed to have a whole Queendom filled with women who have showed up for me in ways that are priceless and truly unforgettable…each and every single one of them! The Queendom is not an accident or a coincidence…it is a manifestation of a deep desire to cultivate a soul-tribe. These women show up and show out in ways beyond my wildest dreams and I am sOoO grateful. My “Friend” is a gift and I am honored to share space with her!

Until next week…

Enjoy the gift of today!

Rise, Shine & Thrive ~ Week 1

Super grateful for my here & now!

I feel more clarity than I have in a REALLY long time! But my gratitude springs from my past. My past was REALLY hard…like there were sOoO many moments when I didn’t know how I would get to the next moment and there were many moments when I didn’t want to get to the next moment. And OMF’nGoodness…I am sOoO glad I made it through each moment that led me to my today…to my here and my now.

DUGS has been giving me clues for the longest and I didn’t even peep it until today when the picture was revealed to me. It wasn’t even a picture as much as it was a knowing…no…an understanding. Hmph…that’s rich.

So I realized today it’s time to rise, shine, and thrive. Like legit…Erika Lynn…get the FUCK up…yes…I said it…the whole word…no $&^#&^%(^ or abbreviations…get the FUCK up ERIKA LYNN!?!?

It’s time to rise…

I also realized a part of me died in September 2021 when I had the week of episodes of the Conversion Disorder. And after processing yesterday earlier today…it hit me…I literally can no longer life the way I always lived pre September 2021. It’s like I knew it but I thought maybe I could just keep trying like my pattern suggested. That’s been the story of my life…try to make something that isn’t working work. There is a way…if I just _________ it’ll work. Idk what that _________ is and I’ll spend a lifetime trying to figure out what it is until something bigger and greater literally stops me. Growing up “the stop” showed up/manifested in a myriad of ways but Conversion Disorder was the biggest stop of my life to date. The last stop killed a part of me and I’ve spent the last 3 years and almost 2 months trying to resurrect that part of me. I REFUSED to acknowledge let alone accept that death of me.

I remember the ceremonial death I facilitated a couple few months after completing the ‘Heroine’s Journey’ program with ummm….Rachel. It felt like nothing, I thought like I thought with most things that I’d messed it/done it wrong, I felt stupid for thinking another thing would be that thing that changed my life.

But today I feel within the reverence for that ceremony I facilitated. I see me today in a way I’ve never seen me before. I see that it is I who has done this to me. And I am open, ready, and willing to set myself free. I am ready thrive.

This new blog, “Rise, Shine & Thrive” is my story. I am no longer suffering, I am no longer the victim, I am surrendering the narratives of me that create pain, poverty, and limits in my life. I am ready to be the light and share the light. It is possible.

I surrender the how and step into my power wholly and fully with and on purpose!

Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week 13

ME…

Today is again Wednesday as I type this blog post. I thought about writing yesterday but it did not surface through flow…

Yesterday like today I organically fell into a sweet spot; a space of holistic tranquility.

However, also like yesterday…I was abruptly removed from this space just as quickly as I fell into it.

As I type I am aware that I am resting in my shadow energy as I am in my head space. I went downstairs to get laundry from the dryer and saw something that took me from my solace…from my tranquility. The “sight” immediately took me to my head space and I created a story. Once I had the story my mind took off thoughting and I internally shifted from a space and place of peace to turmoil. My mind and body are now playing catch with the story…

I want to fix it, I want to make it go away, I want to go back to that space of holistic tranquility…

And as I type I see me. I see my need to control because for me safety equals control. If I can control things, I’ll be safe. But I see now that that “safe” is an egoic-laced safety net…it is what my mind has deemed safe because I’ve done it before and survived.

Hmmm…I surrender! That’s it! I surrender my story. I surrender my feels. I surrender the need to control to make it better/make it go away/make it what I want. I surrender the fear. I surrender the need to figure it out and make it make sense. I surrender the walls that rise in defense when I become triggered. I surrender!

Marriage…

In last week’s blog, I shared about the angst I was feeling about a conversation that was to be had between my Hubby & I. And boy oh boy…what a conversation it was, what an experience I had, and what a revelation has been made today.

As a Generator, my strategy is to respond. And I realize in hindsight, that I responded to thoughts in my head when I proposed this conversation not to the external stimuli that prompted the thoughts. With an undefined head and ajna, both my studies in Human Design and lived experience have shown me how susceptible I am to the thoughts, opinions, and beliefs of others. When I am not mindful, I can take on the thoughts, opinions, and beliefs of others as if they were mine and that’s exactly what I did. I took something someone else said that mirrored a similar experience with my Husband & I and I took action out of alignment with my divine design.

This conversation turned out to be a gift in the end despite the emotional rollercoaster it took us on. It led to further conversations from an aligned space and allowed me to address something I’d been harboring and holding on to. It was also a gift because it provided room and space for me to step outside of myself and witness my Husband.

I don’t have to agree with him, I don’t have to like what he is or is not doing, I don’t have to think like him…but I get to witness him. Through witnessing, I cultivate room and space to understand him, love him in his wholeness, and honor him through compromise.

Motherhood…

Yesterday I picked my 3 youngest up from school early so we could go to Battle Creek to see my oldest play. Sitting there in the stands dialoguing with my babies about their brother and his school and the basketball game as a whole was a real*life gift. Like that was a moment for us, a memory the 4 of us will forever share.

This morning while reflecting on this memory, I reframed being of service. I always connected being of service to work or as a community offering but it dawned on me that I get to be of service to my children. I offer my services to my babies daily in some way but I just didn’t see it like that. I often saw it as “just being a Mom” but that’s the beauty of the reframe, I get to be of service and I am of service when I Mommy.

I am sOoO imperfect and yet my Princess shared with me a couple of weeks ago that that’s what she likes most about me being her Mom…my ability to own my imperfection. Like many areas of my life, I can get sOoO caught up in my head space, in trying to do it right, in trying to be everything I “think” I’m supposed to be to everyone…that I miss what I am doing right and my enoughness. I will never be able to give my kids the perfect life or be the perfect Mom but I can give my kids the tools to live their best life and be me.

Thank you for your time in reading this blog, I appreciate it and you:)

Until next week…enjoy the gift of today!

Navigator: Week One

I thought about blogging a couple/few different times yesterday, each time I told myself I’d do it later. Then last night as I was about to close my eyes and drift into my slumber, I realized I didn’t blog?!?! I instantly felt the wave of feels rush over me and then I closed my eyes and allowed myself to slip away into the dark.

A part of me wanted to stay awake and contemplate my failure, my inconsistency, my error, my dropping of the blog ball…but the bigger part of me said yeah naw…not tonight.

I am filled with immense gratitude for that part of me that allowed me to rest, that allowed me to move forward, that allowed me to walk past the rabbit hole of self-judgement, self-criticism, and self-abuse. Me…Erika Lynn…walked past the rabbit hole of self-imposed pain, torture, and suffering!

Now today, I sit here at my dining room table filled with angst as I marinate on a past due conversation that it’s time to have with my Husband. The angst comes from the knowing that this conversation will put me smack dab into the world of the unknown. The angst comes from the knowing that this conversation could potentially dismantle life as I know it to be. The angst comes from my discomfort of speaking my personal truth that I know is out of alignment with my actions and behaviors that cover, deny, and dissociate from how I really feel and allow me to pretend, go with, and do everything I can not to rock the “good enough life”…“I should” just be happy with.

My work over the last 17 years has shown me, me. It’s shown me my light and my dark. And a component of my darkness is moving forward with something when I know it’s off but because I fear not having it all…I accept what I get and try to force myself to be okay with it when deep down inside I’m not…even though I act like I am. I cannot begin to imagine the impact this shadow has on others and I am sincerely sorry for any and all harm I’ve caused from operating in this space. Today, I see this is a wound that was formed during childhood. Today, I see that although this wound was not formed by me…it is my responsibility to see it, hear it, love it, nurture it, and then heal it because this unhealed piece of me is harming others and today I am open, ready, and willing to surrender, release, and let go of this energy.

Fear, this pattern is rooted in fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear of not being enough, fear of being alone, fear that I will never be enough for anyone, fear of my uniqueness, fear of being different, fear of never belonging, fear of never being accepted as my authentic self, fear I am defective, and fear that I’ll always be a failure and never be able to get it right…

Grateful that I can see beyond fear in this moment. I get to be abandoned by those who are not of my highest and best and/or who have completed their assignment in my life. I may never be enough in the eyes of others and that gets to be okay. I am never and have never been alone. Again, I may never be enough in the eyes of another. My uniqueness is unique, I don’t see others who look and act like me and that too gets to be okay. I am different and that’s one of my superpowers…you ain’t never met anyone like me and will never meet another one like me. I will never belong if I spend my whole life pretending to be someone I am not. I get to accept me and that’s a whole m’n f’n gift! I am defective…because I know that I am both everything and nothing. And I will forever be a failure if and when I think in terms of failure or success.

When I’m in my innate power I know exactly who and what I am but when I get lost in my head or begin entertaining lower vibration/frequency thought patterns and behaviors…I lose access to my knowing. This awareness is a gift!

Until next week…

Enjoy the gift of today :)

Navigating Love & Parenting: Week One

SoOo…this new title came to this morning while I was in the shower. Yesterday was a REALLY hard day…like REALLY hard…like the hardest I’ve had in a REALLY long time…I went to my journal yesterday evening around 5pm-ish and my session ended with my journal being thrown across the bedroom and me punching my Hubby & I’s headboard. I was sOoO consumed by the thoughts in my head and although I knew the solution was to get out of my head & into my body…I legit felt stuck…no trapped!?!?

I pulled a book off my bookshelf a couple days ago, I put it by my spot on the loveseat and I’ve been looking at it periodically. I told myself I was staying off social media today as for me personally it’s bad for my mental health…especially when I am aware that I am in a vulnerable space right now. So this morning while watching, “High Potential”…instead of popping on social media during the commercial breaks, I instead popped the book open!

The words terrified me as I read because they mirrored me. The book started with the Author sharing a story from his childhood with his Mother…and I thought of my interaction with my Princess this morning. The more I read the more I saw me but something different happened today. Yes…I did diagnose myself with Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is something I do periodically…diagnosis myself with something after resonating with more of the symptoms/characteristics than not. But the part I did differently was I talked myself off the ledge of jumping into the rabbit hole of narcissism when I realized someone truly diagnosed by a medical professional using the DSM-5 of NPD wouldn’t eagerly claim the label so although I may not be diagnosable, I do believe I am on the spectrum.

Now the labels are not the point of this blog…the point is I see me! I see that my trauma is still running the show…well moreso I see that my trauma has ALWAYS been running the show. And I see that I am not okay. Like in the grand scheme I know and believe not only am I okay but I am well…but in real life unfolding…no, I am not okay. I am a REALLY good pretender!! I am a REALLY good faker!! I am really good survivor!! And I know too much…like I know WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY too much because all that I know is preventing me from real*life healing because I get paralyzed by all that I know, I get stuck in all that I know, I get confused by all that I know, I become indecisive in all that I know, I become scared to make a choice in all that I know, I dissociate in all that I know, I become lost in my head trying to sort through and organize all that I know, and idk how to real life live in all that I know…

So I’m going to navigate love and parenting in a new way. I don’t need to learn anything new…no new healing modalities, no new systems, no new trainings, no new courses, no new information beyond my handy dandy book I opened today. My book is not to learn, my book is a light. My book is a tool. My book is a mirror. My book is a reminder of what can happen if I don’t embark on this new journey…

This journey begins with me admitting I am open, ready, and willing to do something different to get something different. My intention is to release, surrender, and let go of patterns, limiting beliefs, and behaviors that no longer serve my highest & best. My intention is to show up in love and parenting from a healthy, loving, balanced, and intentional AF space.

SoOo let the journey begin…

Until next week…enjoy the gift of today!

Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Twelve

Me…

Whew…where do I begin?!?!

I realized I’ve really been in my head…like really been all up and through there and it has led me to share more space with my not*self self. I have been itchy, agitated, irritable, annoyed, temperamental, pop*off ready, and my fuse is getting shorter and shorter. I don’t reside in this space but when I get triggered I go there more often than to my pause…

With this realization has come reflection and with reflection has come frustration as I search for solutions to stop and information to understand intellectually and for me these two automatic responses again lead me further into my not*self self. My change doesn’t come from these sources despite them being my go*tos…change for me happens organically as I surrender, release, and let go but that’s hard to remember when I’m caught in trying, doing, and attempting to fix me which is where I’ve been.

To be honest…I am sOoO grateful for all that I have and I humbly have quite A LOT. But I struggle because I don’t have the money I desire and I don’t have a consistent/reliable source that provides me with money. Today what I have quite A LOT of is invisible…I have love, I have family, I have peace, I have a connection with my breath, I have the ability to feel, I have joy, I have community, and sOoO much more:) BUT…I want the money and I want my business to be the source of the money and I feel like this too is where I’m blocking myself. Because I’m sOoO focused on what I want and how I want it..part of my realization has been that I’ve blocked myself from infinite possibilities. I’m not grounding myself in the fact that I do have money…it just comes from my Husband and sporadically through my business AND that every single need of mine is and has been met…it’s just not being met again the way I want it to be met and how I want it to be met. UMMM…HOLD UP…WAIT A MINUTE!?!? WOW…WOW…WOW…I just read this paragraph back and saw one of my errors…I wrote on and with purpose that I didn’t have a consistent/reliable source that provides me with money yet I speak/listen to a daily affirmation that says, “Source is my source and Source blesses me in unexpected ways daily”…but I have a belief that says source does not provide nor do they bless me in unexpected ways daily…yet when I look back at the unfolding of my days…I see how Source is showing up and showing out daily!?!? Which takes me back to how I am blocking myself with expectations of what I want, how I want it, and the way I want it presented and this expectation is cutting me off. Umh…this is rich.

#grateful for this space and for this depth of awareness

marriage…

This has been an interesting week in marriage. I’ve had an opportunity to witness behaviors of co*dependency as I’ve been spinning mentally. While listening to Gene Key 62 earlier today, I also had an opportunity to see that I’ve been functioning from my shadow with him obsessing over details that create distance between us as I clearly see what he’s doing to me while trying to ignore the fact that he’s doing nothing to me…I’m the one doing all this to myself. Because honestly whatever he does do or doesn’t do is about him and he’ll have to navigate the harvest of what he’s planting with the seeds he’s sowing just as all I do and don’t do is really all about me and I too will have to navigate the harvest of what I’m planting. But to obsess over him doesn’t serve me or the health of our marriage. But again…it’s hard to see this from a clear perspective lens when I’m caught and tied up in my not*self self.

Motherhood…

Motherhood is no joke?!?! Being a Mommy to 4 littles…especially 4 littles that came from and have tendencies of mine is hard AF when I’m functioning from my not*self self…HARD AF!! But today I’m here for it. Like I know it’s hard and that I make it harder when I’m not holistically caring for myself and/or am lost in my head…but I’m wholly and fully here for it and they are sOoO worth it…even my Poohda Bear who is navigating his own life’s path that is definitely a path less traveled?!?! My kids remind me of me in my childhood and I sometimes remind me of my parents growing up and that’s a hard space to be in but I know there’s value there and instead of beating myself up for not being able to stay there long…today in this moment I instead choose to commend myself for my willingness and openness to be there for small/brief moments in time and a desire to be there longer! I get to be the change I desire to see but I also get to acknowledge my wounds, where I’m at in my healing, and my capacity in the here and now.

WOW…this blog has created a shift in my energy…I’m literally smiling as I witness the expansion in my being:) #whatagift

I am sOoO grateful for this space!!

Thank you for your time. You could have spent the last however long it took you to read this doing ANYTHING else you wanted you to do…and yet you choose to spend it here with me and my blog. That means sOoO much!!

Before the clock hits midnight, it is my hope that you take a moment to pause and enjoy the gift of life, the gift of your breath, and the gift of today!

Until next Tuesday…

Me, Marriage & Motherhood: week eleven

This blog post almost didn’t happen today. Like it wasn’t until I told myself I wasn’t doing the blog today that it created the fire to get the blog done.

I’m writing this evening from my bed. I had a glitch with my payment source and was trying to bypass it and write anyways and the site was like ummm yeah no!?!? So I connected to a different payment source and got it back up and running.

This is not a traditional blog broken down into sections…

This is me showing up even when I almost didn’t…

Until next week…