WHolly Me Wednesday: Week One
I’m back…
I’ve been contemplating returning to blogging for quite some time. In my mind I’ve planned it out to start on my birthday, to start when I was 10 weeks from my due date, to start on a handful of Thursdays ago as a rebranding of “Talk About It Thursday”, to start on Monday when I was 6 weeks from my due date, to start on July 1st the 1/2 way mark through the year. But today was rough emotionally, today I was in my head HEAVY, today I felt the impact of my misalignment…sOoO today I’m starting.
I’ve also been contemplating how to get my business off the ground, I purchased a 5 Certificate Coaching Certification 2 or 3 months ago, I’ve been purchasing all kinds of Human Design reports and blueprints. I’ve again been in my head HEAVY “trying” to figure out a way to build a business I love and that also compensates me for my offerings and what I bring.
My oldest child is a boy and my baby in my belly is also a boy. I found out I was pregnant last December and this whole year has been filled with get the f outta here moments with my oldest. What Motherhood means to me has been dismantled and my shadows have been sharing hella space with me over the last 6 months. To be honest part of me is petrified of bringing another baby into this world…when I see my flaws, my imperfections, my areas for improvement, my shortcomings, and my track record…I’m like ggggiiiiirrrrrlllll….what in the actual f are you doing?!?! As of today I have 5 weeks and 5 days until my due date…
Last night my Husband and I were watching a show and he made a comment about the main character bringing a baby into a single parent household. His comment hit me and I felt the impact of the hit to my core. I personally know what it’s like to raise children in a two parent household and a single parent household. And I’ll never forget bringing my 3rd child home from the hospital and my ex-Husband soon thereafter dropping my 2 boys off and me standing in my living room breaking down as I faced my reality. It was a moment that broke something inside of me. I instantly felt overwhelmed, scared, and pissed. How in the actual F was I going to raise not one, not two, but 3 m’n f’n kids by myself?!?! I started dating my Husband when my daughter was about 15.5 months old and she’s now 8 soon to be 9 in September. To say my children’s lives haven’t been positively impacted by having two parents in the home would be a bold face lie but to act like it hasn’t come with it’s own fair share of complications/issues/problems is also worth noting…
I recently dove back into the book, “The Four Agreements” as a tool to help me in the navigation of my marriage and self*love. A HUGE part of me is anxious about sharing this depth of realness on the internet and social media…but a bigger part of me wants to honor the capturing of my journey through these blog posts and I can’t capture my journey if I’m not keeping it real, raw, and authentic. The reason why I’m applying the book as a tool is because I’ve been enthralled in the doing of the most trying to save my marriage, trying to understand him and accomodate him while overlooking and negelcting the impact that choice has on me, trying to get him to show up the way I desire him to show up as my Husband/my Partner/my King, trying to decipher truth from lies in his wordplay, trying to get him to stop doing the things I wish he wouldn’t do, trying to shape shift and rearrange myself in order to be enough, trying to figure out the holes, gaps, and inconsistencies to give myself peace of mind, trying to make him wrong for our here and now, trying to justify and rationalize his choices and actions through picking myself apart and making myself wrong, and trying to figure out what marriage means to me beyond the titles of Husband and Wife and what it is I truly desire from/in marriage. This is not a him vs. me scenario; this is an opportunity to learn how to love me, honor me, and take holistic care of me. This is about providing room and space for him to do him and be him without obsessing over what he is and isn’t doing, getting caught up in the stories in my head, and taking back my time, energy, and attention and reinvesting it in myself. This is about personal freedom which is why the book is such a gift. ‘The Four Agreements” speak on domestication, the smoky mirror, the book of laws, the Judge & Victim within us, being impeccable with your words, not taking anything personal, not making assumptions, always doing your best, rewriting the book of laws, and practices to let go of the domesticated behaviors, thoughts, and ways of being that no longer serve us. I’m in full 1/3 profile mode with this book as I read/study and apply through trial and error.
The other thing I’ve been dibbling and dabbling in is my Human Design. I get stuck in the strategy & authority and trying to mentally make it make sense and figure out what it means in the unfolding of my day to day that I miss the opportunity to integrate and intentionally share space with the other pieces and parts of my design. Or I’ll get caught up what cycles I need to complete in order to move forward with my 42 sun, lost in failures and not mentally understanding what preservation looks like in my life with my 32 earth, or how to connect, be with, and work with my unconscious energy. And in this work I see how clearly I get swept in “they said”, “the way it is”, “right vs. wrong”, “how it is/goes” and when none of that aligns or resonates wiht me…I do what I have a tendency to do and that’s…make myself wrong, shut down, and comply with “the way” or walk away.
My goal and intention with “Wholly Me Wednesday” is to blog my journey. When I look back I’m proud on how far I’ve come over the last 18 years and for the first time I see the impact of the work. I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together, and I’m forever working on something…but there’s sOoO much more to me. I get to cultivate a both/and lifestyle…I get to be imperfect, not have it all together, and continue doing the work AND I get to enjoy life, I get to manifest what I do want, and I get to have fun!
Until next Wednesday…
EB
