Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Seven (August 13, 2025)
I’ve been thinking a lot about trial tomorrow morning. I was just washing dishes and wondered where I’ll sit. There are only two sections of seating in a courtroom; there is no middle…yet I find myself in the middle. I am quite anxious as this is something my family and I have been navigating since January and it is something that changed life as we knew it. Two heartbeats will be labeled “plaintiff” and “defendant”…each with their own version of what went down. It is one side vs. the other side and then me…
I engaged in a behavior I’m not proud of this evening and I really didn’t want to share it in this space but again I am reminded by me that this is the space to show up raw and real. This is the space to take off my masks and be wholly me. I was talking about people this evening…not impeccably, not from a place and space of love and light, and I was not being kind. I don’t want to have a keep it real meeting with me about it but I know my resistance is a sign it’s worth digging into. The first question that arises from within is…how did it serve you? Well, it didn’t serve me. I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just saying…
Nope…there’s more. Be willing to dig deeper…be willing to go there. It did serve me…next I want to take it off me and say well it was a connection point between myself and the person I was talking to. But then I push back and say yeah nope…the person you were talking to didn’t ask for you to begin this conversation…you did this boo boo. Okay…so…talking about them made me feel better about me. Talking about them helped me get out of my head about all the things going on in my life that I don’t like, talking about them helped me stop going in on me about the choices I’m making that aren’t holistically in alignment with what I say I desire and redirect that energy onto someone else, talking about them allowed me to let my shadows out to play…that’s how it served me…
Now was that so hard…YES?!?! No…it wasn’t. It was unpleasant, it was embarrassing, it was uncomfortable to keep pushing and peeling back the layers. But now that it’s said and done…I’m grateful. I’m not excited or looking forward to publishing this and sharing it with anyone but again…I get to keep it real here…I get to be imperfect here. I get to call me out and do the work to dive into me so I can do and be better. I don’t want to use others, I don’t want to be unkind, and I don’t want to tear others down as a means of building myself up or feeling better about my choices that I know don’t holistically align with the woman I desire to be. Every word and every action is planting a seed and I can blindly plant or I can intentionally plant. It’s sOoO easy to look outward and point fingers, judge, criticize, and/or talk about another…but clearly I have enough of my own stuff to work on without trying to act like I am worthy of casting a stone at or towards another. It’s also easy to compare my areas of improvement to what I think anothers are…but keeping it all the way 100…that is not my place. Once I’m a perfect Wife, Mother, Business Owner, Employee, Daughter, Friend, Citizen, Person…ect…then I can pick up that stone…but I know that is unobtainable because life is a journey filled with lessons and opportunities and I get to focus my time, energy, and attention on being the best version of me and allow others to do and be them because what they do and don’t do has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them just as how I show up and do and be me has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with me…
Until next time…
