Wholly Me Wednesday: Week Three (7.16.25)
Last week was holistically hard…mentally and emotionally I was struggling which led to a physical impact as I experienced sleepless nights followed by grinding during my “wake” hours to distract myself from the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. It didn’t take long for this behavior to catch up with me as over the weekend I began to experience fatigue and head congestion. Mentally and emotionally I began to simmer on Sunday as I was led to my Gene Keys and felt refreshed by the remembrance of my soul’s journey. Physically, today is the first day I haven’t taken an allergy pill or Tylenol to manage my symptoms since my body started talking to me over the weekend. Although the Gene Keys provided internal respite I witnessed my out of pocketness this evening in a space of reflection…
After my 24-48 hours of holistic reprieve I smooth jumped right back in it. It happened sOoO covertly like as I sit here typing I’m like wait a whole m’n f’n minute?!?! YET…the gift here is that I see me. I felt the shift, witnessed the shift, and am now sitting here with the shift. From out of alignment to in alignment to out of alignment to pausing to peep game. WOW…this is the beauty of the work…not living perfectly but being able to witness when I’m not okay and leaning into a pause to check in with me. Right now the check in is hard because my marriage is currently my biggest trigger combined with the fact that I’m 36 weeks pregnant with our second child together and my fifth child overall. The check in is also hard because I’m in a process of becoming while unbecoming and it’s easy to resort back to living life through my domestication and conditioning and societal standards and expectations. Living life anew is hard AF when my old way of living and being fills my egoic cup and that joker has been dry AF over the last 3 almost 4 years?!?! Yet I am filled with immense gratitude for the opportunity to pause before I completely lose myself…like to witness the signs that I am out of pocket before reaching the point where I am no longer even connected to or near the pocket is again a gift.
My Mommy life is one of my greatest areas for improvement. I have been hyper-fixated on my Husband, my marriage, my 9-5 and my business. Outside of meeting the basic needs of my 3 youngest and navigating visits with my oldest…I have a reason why I can’t right now or don’t have the patience/energy for anything more. And the thought of bringing another one into the world…I’m like girl…WTF?!?! I will undoubtedly make time for the baby because I’m nursing and he’s a baby who relies on me but my others…they get my scraps and I am embarrassed AF to say it but if I don’t keep it real here…there’s no point in me having this blog space. I feel bad too because my babies are the one consistent thing I’ve always wanted and actually got but being a Mommy is nothing like I thought it would be and it triggers my unhealed pieces and parts sOoO deeply. I get sOoO uncomfortable as there are sOoO many emotions that rise to the surface and I get stretched in ways I feel unequipped to handle and their depth of love for me is sOoO foreign that it’s easier to run from it then allow it in because I just don’t understand how I can be sOoO imperfect and yet so accepted, desired, welcomed, and unconditionally loved. Especially when I’ve been chasing the kind of love they offer my whole life and yet they offer it so sincerely and unselfishly that I can’t accept it because I don’t know how to share space with a love so pure and genuine…
Whew…wasn’t expecting to go here this evening. I feel like this is where we end as I have quite a bit to be with…
Until next time…
